


Make A Dragon Wanna Retire Man

by thorinawesomeshield (veganerwurst)



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Food, Harry Hart Lives, Idiotic ways to test love, M/M, Misunderstandings, The Unwins like spicy food, i don't even try to write Eggsys accent, just a lil crack fic that wouldn't go out of my head, scary families, the strangest way to propose to someone ever, too hot (hot damn)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:44:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4905937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veganerwurst/pseuds/thorinawesomeshield
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He ate another spoonful.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Daisy wanted seconds.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Harry wanted ice cream and his Mummy.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>(In which the Unwins are superhuman and Harry is scared.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make A Dragon Wanna Retire Man

Harry Hart was someone who took pride in the fact that he was a man of simple tastes.

Sure, he probably wouldn't decline a glass of _Armand de Brignac._ (Or that bottle of _Zlatija_ he once got from one very grateful politician, who shall remain unnamed, for that matter) (I mean that shit was brandy with gold it it - who the hell would say no to this?).

And, alright - yes when Merlin got him that bottle of _Bowmore 1957_ to his 50th birthday he _might_ have considered for a short fraction of a moment if kissing his best friend would be an actual option (fortunately for everyone Merlin had looked him dead in the eye in this very moment and said something about the causality of semi-public displays of unwanted affections and infirmary visits of people who initiated such displays and put a stop on any kind of thought about this matter) - _but anyway_ , that's not the point.

The point is, even though Harry was perfectly able to appreciate the more expensive goods in life, which his Kingsman salary and the not small amount of money his parents had left him, allowed him to have, he didn't really needed them to be content.

 

It was the little things that made him happy.

A mission accomplished.

A calm night in.

A sappy movie on television.

A plate with takeaway on the table.

A glass of good wine in his left hand.

A softly snoring Eggsy on his lap.

Harry stared down and while he watched his right hand stroking through blond hair he wondered if it was actually possible to die because of pure happiness, because his heart seemed to be bursting with it. And he tried to remember how he could have ever been content with his lonely life _before_.  
Because the man hadn't been _unhappy_ , even before the boy had entered his life and turned it upside down, really not.  
He loved his job. Always had. He loved travelling and shooting bad guys.  
And annoying the shit out of Merlin by reading _The Sun_ in every free second during his missions, forcing him to read the paper with him via the glasses was the most fun he could have without killing someone.

Watching Eggsy annoying the shit out of Merlin was even more fun, though. (The boy was simply a natural at the fine art of irritating their wizard, it was a revelation to watch.)

( _Watching Eggsy_ was always a revelation to watch)

And just like this his thoughts were back where they started, circling around the young man who was currently in some kind of stage of wakening. And if Harry would say that this frowning face, snuggling further into Harry's lap while making incoherent noises of slight discomfort with the lack of darkness in the room wasn't the most adorable thing he'd ever witnessed he'd be lying.

They really should move to bed, though. Both of them needed their sleep after the last week.

"Eggsy?"

"...mhhnng?"

"Darling, we really should go upstairs."

"Mnngghhh." Eggsy didn't exactly sound happy at the prospect of leaving his momentary location and just burried his face deeper in the fabric of Harry's pyjamas and curled his fingers in the man's shirt.

"Come on."

"..."

"Darling."

"..."

"Eggsy."

"...idunwanna."

"Do you want me to carry you?"

"..."

"Eggsy."

"...mh?"

"Do you want me to carry you upstairs?"

"Mhh..."

Harry gathered that this was as much of a yes as he'd get and careful entangled himself from the boy and got up, just to see Eggsy quickly concealing a grin and making a tired puppy face as he lifted his arms to be picked up. Which was exactly the moment he knew he'd been deceived. Again. Because, you see the not-so-secret secret of one Gary Unwin was that he loved to be picked up and carried like a princess. (Which led more often than not to amazing sex, because he also seemed to be extremely turned on by men who could effortlessly do just this.)

Not today, though. Harry smirked and threw the young man over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

A fair amount of screaming, giggling, fighting and barking (they woke J.B.) later the two men finally landed in the big bed, both still laughing softly, as the older turned off the lights on his night stand.

He lied back down to find his chest be instantly be used as a pillow and smiled to himself.

"Goodnight, Eggsy."

"Night, Harry."

It was quiet for a while, until the younger one began to shift.

"...Harry?"

"Yes, my dear?"

"I meant 'o ask you somethin'..." He was slurring just so slightly because of his tiredness, and still Harry heard that the boy was actually pretty nervous all of a sudden.

Which of course made Harry extremely nervous, because what would make _Eggsy_ anxious? What if he had a problem? With him. With them. What if he'd ask about the one time Harry had-

"Harry?" _Right._ _Get a Grip, Hart._

"Ask away, darling." How his voice stayed so even, Harry had no idea.

"You wanna eat dinner with us this Sunday? I mean with Daisy and me mum and me?" The boy spoke fast and without looking up, as if he was really anxious about the reaction he'd get and for a moment Harry was flooded with a wave of relief and fondness that made it difficult to breathe. The first Sundays every month always were reserved for the Unwin family - and for the Unwin family alone. This was more than a simple invitation for dinner.

This was an invitation to become a family member.

"I would be honoured." he whispered against the hair of the blonde who couldn't hear him, as he was asleep once more.

Harry would repeat his answer tomorrow.

 

* * *

 

Three days later, Harry found himself in front of the door of the Unwin's house, fiddling nervously with his cufflinks, wondering if he should go home and come back again, as he was 48 minutes early.  
Suddenly the front door burst open missing Harry's head just by millimetres, revealing a stressed looking Eggsy with two garbage bags in his hands.  
They stared at each other for a few seconds until Eggsy exclaimed "You're early!" his voice tilting on panicking.

"Sorry, I - Should I come back later?" Harry suddenly felt like a schoolboy again.

"No! No. I- I just..." Eggsy waggled the bags in his hand and all but ran to the dumpsters, before Harry even could offer any help. The boy seemed somehow _off_. Nervous. Extremely so.  
In fact the older Kingsman couldn't remember seeing him like this ever before.  
It was somewhat worrying.  
_Scratch that_ he thought, as the boy ran back and stumbled over his own feet like an overgrown puppy. It was _adorable_.  
The reason why he was so fidgety, Harry learned a few minutes later, was apparently that Eggsy would cook their top secret family chili recipe today for the first time.

For him.

The man couldn't believe his luck.  
He was convinced that, no matter what the boy would make, it would be the best thing he'd ever tasted.

Harry helped setting the table, he chatted with Michelle, he played with little Daisy and every few minutes, he went into the kitchen to press a soft kiss on Eggsy's head, only to be ushered out. He was not allowed to watch the boy cooking. A shame that.  
Still, this day was already one of the best of his entire life, without any doubt.

 

That was, mind you, before all four of them were seated on the table, with bowls of steamy chili in front of them, before Harry had lifted the first spoonful to his mouth and before the first drop of the dark red soup had settled on his tounge.

The word _"hot"_ didn't even begin to cover the feeling Harry was experiencing. Neither was _"pain"._

In fact after he'd swallowed the first spoon, the man was convinced that he would prefer to eat _fucking lava_.

As he looked up though, he saw that he seemed to be the only one who had any problems with the spicing of the meal. His lover as well as his mother were shovelling the stuff while chatting cheerfully about Daisy's new kindergarten teacher.

 

After the second spoonful Harry had to fight tears.

 

After the third he was coughing uncontrollably, which only made his throat burn even more.  
"Everything alright?" Michelle and her son had stopped talking and looked at him, the latter with an almost unbearable amount of concern in his eyes.

Everything in Harry screamed that _NO! NOTHING WAS ALRIGHT!_ but damn buggery fuck he was a _goddamn gentleman_ and this was a meal _cooked by the love of his life_ , so what he said was "Yes, yes I just. Choked. My apologies. It's really good." He even managed a smile.

"It really is, dear." Michelle quipped from Eggsy's left. "My first one wasn't as half as good. Much too spicy."  
Harry choked again. _What the hell?_

Eggsy flushed a bit with pleasure at the compliment.

Harry took his next bite and flushed a bit, too.

 

After his seventh spoonful Harry was sweating like a pig.

 

Somewhere between the ninth and the eleventh he lost any feeling in his swollen tongue. His face still burned, though.

 

"Who wants another bowl?"

Harry stared down on the contents of his own, which somehow were barely any less than 30 mintes ago.

Michelle wanted seconds.

 

He was unable to concentrate anymore. He heard that the other people on the table were talking, but he couldn't listen. Helplessly he looked at his right - to see Daisy grabbing into her bowl with her bare hands and stuffing it together with the chili into her mouth.

Even the three year old.

Even the baby.

The fucking baby.

 

Michelle just got up to refill their bowls again.

What the hell was wrong with this family?

 

...Or was there something wrong with him?

_Holy Fuck._

But that couldn't be true.

Could it?

Could it be that the one man he'd trusted, the one man with whom he'd let his guard down had _poisoned_ him?

Harry listed the facts in his head.

_1\. He experienced several physical symptoms like heat, numbness, pain, shivering, blurring sight and the inability to concentrate._

_2\. He was accustomed to spicy and hot food. He'd never in his life felt like this. Not even on his mission in India._

_3\. He was the only one on this table who seemed to go through any of these symptoms._

Conclusion:

_A) This was some kind of prank._

or

_B) Neurotoxin._

In this moment his boyfriend turned his face to him and said with a smirk on his face "Eat up, Darling." and Harry Hart, the Kingsman agent who'd snapped necks of terrorists, who'd endured torture and near death experiences, felt something like ice cold fear spreading through his veins.

Under the eyes of his lover he lifted his spoon again to his mouth. His hand was trembling just so slightly.

As soon as Eggsy turned back to his mother to continue their talk, Harry made a tiny cut in his finger under the table, just enough to draw a tiny drop of blood, and smeared it on the display of his watch, that instantly began to analyse it.

...Nothing.

No poison.

No nerve damage.

No sign of Illness or anything wrong with his body at all.

Well, except of the heart rate of 210. Better work on that.

Harry felt like a right prick.  
To think that his Eggsy would poison him...  
He'd probably just bitten on a piece of chili or something with his first bite and reacted strongly.

He ate another spoonful.

Daisy wanted seconds.

Harry wanted ice cream and his Mummy.

 

Why hadn't he thought of the glasses earlier?  
He tabbed secretly against the right temple. It started analysing the contents of the bowls on the table.

A quick turn of his head showed him that - yes all of them had exactly the same meal.

beef

bacon

onion

beans

tomatoes

paprika

chili

habernero

chili pepper

cayenne pepper

jalapeño pepper

**Warning:**

**1'000'000 scoville**

 

The number blinked red on the bottom right.

 

"Harry?" He startled a bit.

"Yes?"

"You don't like it?" Eggsy pointed at his bowl which was still half full ( _HOW THE HELL WAS IT STILL HALF FULL?_ ) and looked kind of upset with the prospect that his boyfriend didn't seem to love his cooking as his family obviously did.

 There is a time in the life of every man when he has to make a decision. The decision between breaking the heart of the love of his life and a grand amount of pain.

Harry slowly set down the spoon, and lifted the bowl to his lips, brown eyes never breaking the contact to the blue ones.

He never had a choice. Not really.

He drank the whole damn thing.

His sight was blurring and his mind was screaming, is stomach turning and his lips burning and Harry was sure that hell would be nothing against this.

The blonde started smiling widely.

"There's more if ya want?"

What Harry intendet to answer was something along the lines of "No, thank you. I'm full.". What came out of his mouth, as he opened it, though was a slurred "you're not human" that somehow sounded more like a question than a statement.

The silence that followed as suddenly all three member of the Unwin family ogled at him was probably one of the top five most uncomfortable situations the Kingsman had ever been in. But - just as he began to rethink every single life choice that had led to this moment the family suddenly sprung to life again, and so many things occurred so fast that Harry's poor abused brain had absolutely no chance of actually registering what was happening.

Michelle laughed and cried and hugged him so hard he actually saw stars saying something about being so happy. Eggsy face lit up as if he'd just found the fucking holy grail and as soon as Michelle had led him go Harry found his face being attacked by the boy. He found himself seated on the couch, Eggsy on his left and Michelle on his right with no idea how he'd gotten there. Someone sat Daisy on his lap, who promptly shoved her finger into his nose and suddenly the flash of a camera went off.

"Yes, he'll do just nicely, Eggsy." Michelle said, kissed the boys head and went to clear the table.

"Grandma will be so happy...."

Harry turned to his lover. He was confused. He was confused and frustrated and his whole face burned. He was hot and sweating and shivering and he couldn't feel his mouth. He wanted to know what the hell was happening. He wanted answers. Answers to questions like: Where did Eggsy get the two galleons of milk from? Was he a wizard?

"Are you a wizard?" he asked.

Michelle laughed in the kitchen.

Eggsy kept smiling fondly.

Harry drank his milk.

 

* * *

 

Harry and Eggsy were back home, lying on their bed. The older man was eating his fifth bowl of vanilla ice cream as the younger one told him everything about the _Thompson-test_.

"Miss Eliza Thompson, my great-great-great-grandmother, on his mothers side", Eggsy said with the practised ease of someone who had been told the story for his whole life.

"- 'd been a woman not only of small statue, but also of very strong will. She also had a very beautiful face and a bunch of very annoying and insistent admirers. Fortunately she also had a garden with some very hot peppers and truly abyssal cooking skills. So she cooked every of her admirers one meal and watched one after one go (actually most of them were more running away). Only one man's love was strong enough not only to eat a whole portion, but to actually pretend to like it. And thus she'd invented the Thompson-test. Now, though..."

Eggsy paused, blushing furiously.

"Yes?" Harry inquired.

"Now, the test is more of a... strange family tradition. We only let... special people do the test."

Eggsy looked at his hands as if they were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

"Special?" Harry's heart suddenly picked up speed again.

"...Like once in life special..." He still wouldn't meet his eyes.

"Are you saying...?" For the second time today Harry had a problem to breathe.

"Eggsy, are you saying you just proposed to me?"

The man blushed even harder.

"...err, kinda?"

Harry couldn't help it, he burst out laughing.

"Only you, Eggsy." He took his hand and kissed it. "Only you, my love."

"Is that a yes?" Eggsy tried to sound detached as if he didn't care what the answer was. As if he hadn't just laid out his heart for Harry to take or to crash. As if he was hesitantly hopeful but tried not to show it.

And Harry loved him so much, he felt like his own heart was just bursting in his chest.

He took Eggsy's head in his hands, lifting it and looked into gorgeous blue eyes, betraying the nervousness of their owner.

"Gary Unwin. I just ate a bowl of chilli, thinking it was poisoned, just because I didn't want you to be disappointed" (-and maybe a bit because he was scared, but he wouldn't tell Eggsy that.) "Of course I'll fucking marry you."

He kissed him again, and they didn't spoke much the rest of the evening aside from repeating each others names again and again and the occasional prayer.

 

* * *

 

 This is my great-aunt Ashley." Eggsy tabbed on the photograph of a young woman who looked laughing at another woman and a man, both of them crying. It was the first morning of their engagement and they had decided to take the day off.

 "She was the first and only Thompson up until now who brought two people at once to her test." Eggsy turned the side of the photo album.

 "And these are my parents." He said proudly.

 

To be honest, Harry had always assumed that Eggsy had gotten his strength, just like his loyalty and his dangerous willingness to sacrifice himself from his father. But on seeing the picture of Lee Unwin, lying crying on the floor with a strongly bleeding nose, while a very happy looking Michelle waved in the background, he had to admit the fault in his thoughts.  
Michelle Unwin and her family were fucking scary and he should never _ever_ do anything to anger her. Harry smiled at his fiance and thought that maybe the Thompson-test was more of a Thompson- _threat_ to show any potential heartbreakers, that you'd better not mess with this family. _  
_

Harry was strangely ok with that.

He would eat this chilli every day for Eggsy if he had to.

 

(Alright, maybe once a year.)

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, I just woke in the middle of the night and thought _"But what if Eggsy cooks for Harry and it tastes horrible and Harry thinks, Eggsy wants to poison him but he eats it still because he loves him?"_ and somehow it turned out like this. 
> 
>  
> 
> Its late, I'm tired and this isn't beta'd if you see any mistakes please tell me?


End file.
